11/25/2005: "Onward Christian Soldiers"

Hi All,

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, because I don't mean it to. I mean, I'm all for offending people in my fiction, but rarely do I feel compelled to step out of that framework and offend anyone in real life. Perhaps that's the Canadian in me. But now that I'm down here in America I feel more free to express myself along these lines---or maybe I'm just turning into a bit of a rat bastard, who knows?

Anyway. I've been doing a lot of driving lately, 5, 6 hour trips, and have been listening to the radio a lot. I find it helps pass the time. It doesn't pass the time as well, say, those times I tied a bandanna around my eyes and drove strange roads "psychically" or "by feel," but still, it passes the time well enough.

Now these trips aren't near the longest I've done in a single shot. Those would be the times I drove from Toronto to Fredericton in one go---probably 14 hours. I never did this alone, always with other people to handle the driving load. Once me and my buddy Tony (or Ton-Ton, as he is known) drove through the night to get there, for reasons that will remain unspoken. I'd worked the whole day in the shipping department at a hospital, my last day on the job, and I remember driving the next morning at dawn, totally spaced out of my head, seeing golden butterflies and plus-sized pink elephants flitting about the foggy peripheries of my vision and I had this elastic band on I kept pulling it out from my wrist and snapping it trying to keep myself awake.

But nevermind that. I bring it up only to say that, in that trip in particular, it was important to bring lots of CDs along---that was back in the stone ages, before IPODS. You brought lots of CDs because, apart from spots near Toronto, Cornwall, and Montreal, the radio was a dead zone. Up in northern Quebec and New Brunswick you'd be lucky to catch some drunken, grizzled old Francophone with a ham radio singing "Frere Jacques" over and over again. Yeah, it was bad.

So anyway, on these recent trips I didn't bring any CDs. I'm a forgetful sort and I counted myself prepared to have brought a spare change of gitch. But this meant a lot of radio surfing trying to get good tunes. There's nothing worse than catching a good tune you really dig---on my last trip I caught "Closing Time," that one-hit wonder by Semisonic---then passing under a web of power lines and losing the signal. I liked that Semisonic tune. I sang along to it, even. Bobbed my head and tapped my toe--the one not on the gas pedal. Strummed a little air guitar. But then the signal was gone and I lost my groove. Kaput. I felt cheated. Damn you Semisonic! I know, it's not their fault. I just got a little overheated for a minute, there.

So it's this constant scanning to find a station you like. And this is where my point is: there are a LOT of Christian music stations nowadays.

And Christian music is not like how I remember it. To me, Christian music is someone strumming an acoustic guitar, or a pipe organ and a boy's choir. Not anymore. Now it's got some pretty good beats and you can rock out to it---rock out to the LORD!

But I guess I just don't like my music and my religion mixed. And I know it's my choice not to listen to it, and since I feel slightly manipulated for some reason when I do hear it, I make a point to change the channel as soon as I recognize it's that style of music. But it's so well hidden, the message in the lyrics, that sometimes I've listened to nearly the whole song before I know conclusively it's Christian music. It's like:

SONG [final stanza] "...and baby, baby, baby, I need you, you make my whole world right, your love and beauty light up the night..." [final chord] ....and by "baby" I mean Jesus Christ our Lord." THE END.

ME: DAMMIT!

I mean, sometimes it's right out there in the open, like the one I heard that went something like:

And he walked until his feet were covered in blisters,
And they flogged him until his back was bloody,
And they put him up there on the Cross and pelted him with stones...repent...sinners...

Etc, etc, etc. So there I know right away I can turn the channel. But so many of them, I'm halfway into the song before I know I'm listening to this type of music. I mean, the first "Lord" or "Christ in his Heavenly seat" I hear, the first definitive declaration like that, I'm outta there. But it's almost like the bands want to drag you into the deep waters before they spring it on you:

Song [start]: "We ran through the meadow, we ran through the hay..."

ME: Well, okay, it's got a good beat, it hasn't hit any of my buzzwords. I'll give it some time...

Song: [middle]: "...and I look way up into your eyes, they dazzle me with their love..."

ME: Well, maybe she's, y'know, in love with a really tall dude...

Song: [ending]: "...and I feel your love and it's HEAVEN-SENT!"

ME: No! Noooo!

Song: "JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS BAAAAAABY YEAH! Hosanna in the HI-HI-HI-HIGHEST!"

ME: Damn! Double damn!

Or else it's this new "hard rock" Christian music, where it's like any other rocking hard song, the type where you can't really make out what the hell the guy's singing but you're along for the ride because of the grinding metal guitars and drum beats and whatever. But I can't even enjoy those as much anymore because now I've got my ear practically pressed to the car speaker to catch a "Jesus" or "Heavenly Father" or whatnot.

Anyway, obviously I don't have a problem with the stations existing, people can listen to whatever they choose and if they dig it, great, but I just don't recall ever having this issue before in all my long years as a long-distance-driving radio jockey. Maybe there's just a proliferation of these channels down here in the midwest. That would seem to make sense, seeing as on my basic cable pack of 22 channels, on certain nights 8 of them are broadcasting televangelists.

All Hail Our Dark Lord Satan!

All best, Craig.

Replies: 8 Comments

on Monday, November 28th, Brett said

'Did you read that article on The Onion a few weeks ago, about the High Metal Council meeting on an Icelandic iceburg to discuss the overuse of the "devil's horn" sign? Hilarious article.'

Ha! That rocked. I posted a link to it on my LJ. Thanks for the tip, bro!

on Monday, November 28th, Craig said

Hey Brett,

I know what you're saying. I was listening to some Cannibal Corpse the other day, on my old LPs, and when I played it backwards the lyrics, "Drink the blood of the living, bathe in the blood of the innocent" came through as "God's healing love tranfuses me; lift me to the clouds in your Heavenly chariot." I was highly pissed. Did you read that article on The Onion a few weeks ago, about the High Metal Council meeting on an Icelandic iceburg to discuss the overuse of the "devil's horn" sign? Hilarious article.

Ryan,

Damn! Double damn! So I DO curse Semimessianic! Unfortunately God did not grant their prayers of becoming anything more than a one-hit wonder. If they'd fallen in league with the devil I bet they'd be bigger than U2 by now. But I must admit, while listening to "Closing Time" I felt a stirring of something...perhaps it was the healing light of God's love. Who knows?

All best, Craig.

on Monday, November 28th, Brett said

"Maybe Slayer or Iron Maiden would be good"

Oh, definitely. I recommend Slayer's 2001 release GOD HATES US ALL. Not much ambiguity to be found there.

on Sunday, November 27th, Tex said

Craig, umm, I hate to break it to you, but that Semisonic song you like, "Closing Time", well, it's Christian rock.

"I know who I want to take me home" = Jesus.

"Every new beginning is some other beginning's end" = The Apocalypse.

The band originally was called Semimessianic, but their pastor said that they should try to veil things a bit more so that waywards such as yourself wouldn't turn away before hearing the Lord's good news. I'm pretty sure trickery is okay if it's for missionary purposes.

At this point I suggest you dust off a clearly Satanic album you would have listened to at age eight when music was your only outlet for aggression (if you were like me). Judas Priest would do. Not only did they worship the betrayer of Christ, their lead singer turned out to be gay. That would make them doubly evil according to some Christians. Then again, a lot of the Christian rock these days is rather homoerotic, so maybe as an antidote you should go for something Satanic and unambiguously hetero...AC/DC? No ambiguity, but I don't recall any mention of ritual sacrifice or the like. The Rolling Stones? They may be the Satanic Majestics and extremely womanizing in attitude and lyric, but I think Mick had some dalliances (with other men, not with God). Maybe Slayer or Iron Maiden would be good. I confess that I never managed to get my hands on their stuff, but the album artwork alone suggests they'd do a good job of blasting mincing Jesus-loving bands off the airways. And as far as I know, their singers didn't prance around onstage in gloves, sunglasses and a black leather officer's hat---a dead sexuality giveaway to anyone but the eight year-old who thought Judas Priest was fronted by some sort of nasty policeman.

on Sunday, November 27th, Brett said

The funniest thing in the world is hearing Christian death metal. For the most part, you can't tell what they're saying, but then a guttural, Cookie Monster-style "He is the truth, the way, and the life!!" grinds into your ears, and it's just wrong on so many levels. Like, the music of utter rebellion and All Things Evil being manipulated to spread messages of Wholesomeness and Truth?? That's the ultimate cheat, for sure. When I listen to something crushingly heavy, I want to hear about zombies eating people's intestines and Satan swooping down, picking off little children with his pitchfork and ****. I don't want some black-clad Swede doom band preaching to me about my heathenistic ways and how I'm going to burn forever if I don't embrace God's word. It's sheep in wolves' clothing, and I won't stand for it!

on Saturday, November 26th, Craig said

Baking cookies for a bachelor party? Way up in Northern Alberta, a bunch of dudes sitting around baking cookies? Hey, count me in!

Ian,

I wish I had some cooking disaster stories. I guess I'd have to cook stuff for that to happen. The worst I usually get is an affliction I call "dialer finger" from dialing the pizza joint's #. But that would make a cool post on your blog, so if you put it up I'd give it a read for sure. And I won't ask you about Oprah if you don't ask me about Dr. Phil.

John,

The R-Dad is gonzo. I'm now driving a VW Golf. It's a good little car, I got no real problems, except the muffler's a bit shot. But it's got an alarm system, so at least it hasn't gotten broken into. The poor R-Dad got busted into so many times it was getting a little defeated-looking.

All best, Craig.

on Saturday, November 26th, jlo said

Ian, so, you're into bakeing, eh? That gives me an idea for your bachelor party...we're totally gonna make cookies!

Craig, the Christian music is subtle, but what about the crazy, right-wing call-in shows? You must have something to say about that. When we drove from Chicago to Denver (in one shot) there were some very interesting things on the radio...

Are you still piloting the R-dad?

on Friday, November 25th, Ian LeTourneau said

Craig, that was the funniest thing I've read in a while. I have lots of stories like such to tell because as you know, Sherry and I drove from Fredericton to Whitehorse a couple summers back. After you pass Ottawa and the towns only arrive every 60 kms or so, there are no radio stations. NOne. Natta. Zip. It's so bad taht radio stations have little advertisements on little road signs. Instead of Wawa 40km, you get CBC 690AM, etc.

I got an idea for a future post for you: cooking disasters. Like today, I thought I'd surprise Sherry by making Chocolate fudge shaped like a wreath like on the Oprah show (don't ask...) and well, I didn't have enough condensed milk so i added some soy milk, and let's just say that the freezer isn't powerful enough to set this fridge. Vodka would freeze before it.

oh, and by the way, i've had the exact same reaction as you: rockin out to some great tune only to have it praise the lord hosannah it's way throug the kick-ass guitar licks. when we got a new car, I INSISTED on a CD/MP3 player.