05/30/2006: "Danuta Gleed"

Hi All,

The results are in, and I did not win the Danuta Gleed award. I did, however, share runner-up with another writer—so, like 2nd and a half, or something.

I can’t say I’m upset, for several reasons, not the least of which being that the winner, Charlotte Gill’s LADYKILLER, is most likely the best book in the competition. I’m not saying that because it won so it’s self-evident; I’m saying that because a wealth of other evidence, including a GG nomination and great reviews, confirms that the judges made the correct choice.

Now I never enjoy losing, and when it comes to literary stuff I hate it even more; if I lose a game of basketball or poker, the reason I lost is plain—I scored 9 points, my opponent scored 11; I had a straight, my opponent a flush—while books are a bit more subjective. But whereas some people dispute results of such competitions, I would say in this case the right book won. I extend my congrats to Charlotte, and to all the other writers.

Plus, hey, I’ve got 500 bucks coming to me! I love little pots of cash like that, appearing out of the clear blue sky. 500 bucks is a nice little boost, enough to pay rent or buy groceries for a few months, whereas $10,000 is almost daunting, seeing as it is “found money.” If you’re not expecting to receive $500 and do, it’s like, “Hey, great, I can pay off some credit card debt,” whereas if you get $10,000 falling on you, it’s like, “Hey, let’s get SILLY!” (Or as I would say, SILLLL-AAAY!)

Here is a list of the things I might’ve done with $10,000, followed by the dire consequences:

1. Buy a really bitchin’ dirt bike, pimp that mofo out, take it off-roading and crash into an oak tree.

2. Pay for an all-expenses-paid trip to Thailand, get blitzed on Mekong, go back to my hotel room with a lovely transsexual I’d drunkenly mistaken for a woman, become distraught upon this realization and drive my rental scooter down the beach into a palm tree.

3. Get those wicked cool calf implants I’ve always dreamed about—modeled after Tom Selleck’s in “Magnum PI”—and strut about town with my fancy new calves, showing them off to the gawking hoi-polloi...except there’s extensive nerve damage and one day, driving about on my moped, my leg-nerves go batshit causing me to careen into a weeping willow.

4. Fearing some sort of two-wheeled vehicular disaster, I preemptively donate the whole $10,000 to the MDF (Motorcycle Disaster Fund); ecstatic at my largesse, the MDF arranges a parade in my honor, where I ride down the main street in a motorcycle sidecar, waving to the citizenry, but my waves are too sweeping, too frantic, and I end up poking my driver in the eye and he skips over the curb, through a fruit stand, through the Museum of Natural History’s plate glass window, crashing into the petrified remains of a prehistoric redwood tree.

So, you see, overall it’s probably a good thing all around that Charlotte wrote a kick-ass book and won the 10 grand. I’d only get myself into trouble.

All best, Craig.