07/06/2006: "International Federation of Competitive Eating"

Hi All,

Perhaps you’ve heard of the I.F.O.C.E. Or again, perhaps not. They’re a real organization, with a coat of arms (two lions eating a hotdog, crossed ketchup and mustard bottles, and a soft-serve ice cream cone) and everything. They’ve got tournament listings, eater (or “gurgitator”) rankings, and the current world records—example: Hamburgers [3/4 pound “Thickburgers]: 7 in 10 minutes, a record held by Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas.

www.ifoce.com

Is it just me, or is this totally fascinating? This strange world of phenomenal gluttons, eating anything and everything and eating it FAST. Risking burst bellies, I must believe. I got lost on this site for a good hour and a half.

The I.F.O.C.E’s hero is Takeru Kobayashi, the now 6 time champ at Nathan’s famous Coney Island hot dog eating contest. A scrap of a guy, 132 pounds, he ate 53 3/4 hotdogs in 12 minutes. My lord. They’ve got a video clip of him eating those frankfurters—I swear, he’s a human wood chipper! And he’s just demolishing these giant 400lb dudes, who just stop with a mouthful of weiner hanging out of their maws, beholding the juggernaut that is Kobayashi. It’s pretty safe to say that Kobayashi is my new hero.

But then, after doing some research, I realized that Japanese people may have an edge in competitive eating—you see, televised gorging is old hat in Japan.

I went to Youtube (is there a better site on the Internet? Along with Wikipedia, it’s my main research tool—which I suppose says something about my research methods) looking for some clips of Kobayashi in the hotdog eating contest. Instead I found something even better:

Food Battle Club.

That’s right, there’s a Japanese show where these willowy metrosexual Asian fellows challenge each other in gorging competitions. It’s hilarious. I love it. It’s such a spectacle. There’s breathless announcers, special effects, strobing lights, a studio like “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” and everything!

Now of course it’s all in Japanese, so I can’t make out exactly what’s going on, but competitive eating is, as you can guess, largely a visual phenomenon. It starts with these guys sitting around in a semi-circle—the Council of Gluttons, I guess—and a challenge foodstuff is introduced (in the clip I saw, it was iced coffee). The gluttons then “bid” against one another, auction style, for who can eat or drink the most of that particular item. Then the highest-bidding glutton has to eat his fill.

I promise you, this description does not quite do it justice. The gluttons are a prideful bunch, it seems, so there are lots of reaction shots: the other gluttons with “He’s not so hot shit” or “I could eat faster than that” looks on their faces; plus the announcers nearly have a group aneurysm when Kobayashi drinks 25 iced coffees in 5 minutes. Even better, watch the clip where this guy demolishes a bottle of what looks like clam juice in 4.8 seconds—I swear, I thought the announcer’s heads were gonna pop off and start blowing around the studio like deflating parade floats. Apparently this clam-juice-drinking was an incredible display—even the other gluttons had this look on their faces like Ivan Drago watching Rocky drag his ass off the canvas for the umpteenth time: “No...! It...it can’t be!”

Go to Youtube:
www.youtube.com

and type “Food Club Battle” (with the quotation marks) to get these clips. You’ll also get one where Kobayashi totally dusts this overmatched bespectacled young lady, mowing down a banquet table full of sushi. There’s this great shot where the poor bespectacled girl looks down the table at Kobayashi just absolutely ASSASSINATING that sushi with this look like, “This is no human being I am facing.” A relentless eating machine, is Kobayashi.

So check out these clips. Root for your favorite glutton (my fave is the guy in 70's era puffy purple Big Pimpin’ hat, followed closely by the guy with tinted shades and a sweet leather jacket who I last saw chasing Michael Douglas through the streets of Tokyo on a Kawasaki Ninja in “Black Rain”—though neither of them displayed their gorging skillz)

So, anyway, back to the I.F.O.C.E. I’ve been mulling a career change lately, and this might be right up my alley. Really, it’s every ex-fat-guy’s dream job: a firm, reasonable excuse to get plump and sassy all over again. I could see myself ballooning up to 300+ easy, with six months dedicated training. And the food they get to eat is great; here’s the list of “C” foods, from the website:

Cabbage (okay, so it doesn’t start so hot)
Candy Bars
Cannoli
Cheesecake
Chicken Nuggets
Chicken Wings
Chicken Fried Steak
Chili
Chocolate
Conch Fritters (I don’t know what conches are, exactly, but I like any food in frittered form)
Corn dogs
Corned beef and cabbage
Corned beef hash
Corned beef sandwiches
Cow brains (okay, again, not so hot. World Record: 17.7 pounds in 15 minutes by—who else?—Kobayashi the ass-kicker)
Crabcakes
Crawfish

My stomach is rumbling just thinking about it. I mean, do I think I could eat 22 cannolis in 6 minutes, beating by one the record held by the immortal Cookie Jarvis? In all honesty, I do not know. But by gar, I would treasure that opportunity.

So anyway, if you see me in the future and I’ve put on a bit of weight—say 100-150 pounds—before saying something bitter and untoward like, “Davidson, you fearsome blubber creature, you’ve really let yourself go!” know that I am probably deep into my training regimen and possess “The eye of the Tiger.”

Yours in gluttony,

Craig.