07/12/2006: "Overheard on the plane bound for Calgary"

My brother and I used to fight like cats and dogs when we were a certain age---I’d say from age 8 (Graham 5) to 18 (Graham 15) our relationship was a combative one. But we’ve been such good buds for so long that I’d forgotten the way we used to fight, our tactics, the manner in which we---maybe all brothers; maybe all siblings regardless of gender---used to get under each others’ skin.

That was, until I sat in front of Andrew and Connor on my flight today. Andrew and Connor, from what I could glean, live in Calgary and have season’s tickets to the Flames. They also fought bitterly throughout the entire 2 ½ flight, amusing me to no end.

The following are some of the highlights from their fight. I’ll break down the characters.

ANDY: 12 years old. The younger brother. Smart, savvy, manipulative; does all the things the younger brother has to do to even the playing field. A consummate goader. I would guess that Andy’s IQ is 30 to 40 points higher than Connor’s.

CONNOR: 14 years old. The older brother. A bully. What cannot be taken through coercion, Connor will try to take by force. Tried a few mind games with Andy and was shot down spectacularly, like a bomber over Dresden.

They started fighting before the plane even took off. Andy had the window seat, and Connor wanted it. Andy also had some beef jerky---Connor had already eaten his allotment---and Connor wanted that, too. You could say, all things considered, Andy was in the catbird seat.

CONNOR: We’ll switch seats halfway through.

ANDY: No we won’t. You had the seat the whole time coming from Tennessee (Connor and Andy had just finished visiting their aunt in Tennessee)

CONNOR: That flight was shorter than this one.

ANDY: No.

CONNOR: Yes.

ANDY: No. Dad, how long was the last flight?

DAD: Two hours and 21 minutes.

ANDY: How long is this one?

DAD: Two hours and 25 minutes.

ANDY: See, Connor? The same. If you want the seat for the last 4 minutes, you can have it.

CONNOR: I do. I do want it.

ANDY: Fine. Have it.

CONNOR [feral whisper]: I will.

CRAIG [inner monologue]: This is interesting. I’m enjoying this immensely. I hope they fight the whole flight, because the only book I’ve got is THE HANDMAID’S TALE, and it seemed a lot less preachy the last time I read it 7 years ago.

The plane taxies to the runway. Andy takes out his beef jerky---kudos to him for showing enough restraint to wait for Connor to finish his, so now he can lord his jerky surplus over him. Classic little brother tactic---and begins to eat it. Eating it especially LOUDLY. I can just imagine Andy with a big wad of jerky in his mouth, smacking his lips, juice dribbling down his chin.

CRAIG [inner monologue]: Good job, Andy. I like you. You’ve got flair. I like where your head’s at.

The plane takes off.

ANDY: Oh, Connor, you should check out this view. Great, GREAT view of Minnesota. I think I just saw a crocodile in a pond down there (Connor is very fond of crocodiles).

CONNOR: Gimme some beef jerky.

ANDY: No. You didn’t share yours with me.

CONNOR: You didn’t ask. If you asked, I’d give you some.

ANDY: Should’ve saved some, Connor. Law of the jungle.

CRAIG [inner]: Good one, Andy! Law of the Jungle! Classic---classic stuff!

CONNOR [persistent]: Give me some jerky.

[ambient noise]: Two boys fighting over a bag of beef jerky.

ANDY: No! It’s mine, and I’m eating it.

CONNOR: I’m going to flush your hat down the toilet.

CRAIG [inner]: When did this cease to be a valid threat? Grade 8, maybe? When I was young, I lived in mortal fear of somebody flushing my baseball cap down the toilet. This was like the worst indignity you could be delivered at a certain point in life. Someone would snatch your hat off and ask the teacher to go to the washroom and, if you didn’t say anything, the next thing you knew it was clogging a toilet drain. It was a social black eye of the worst sort. And then, suddenly, nobody was making that threat anymore. Flush my hat down the toilet? What are you, two years old? Still, there was a time when it was the worst thing that could happen during the school day.

[ambient noise]: Further struggling over the beef jerky. Connor is on the verge of overpowering Andy.

ANDY: Will you stop touching me, you homo? Why does this homo keep touching me?

CRAIG [inner]: Wily counter move, Andy! Culturally insensitive, to be sure, but still it did the trick.

The boys quiet down for a few minutes. [ambient noise]: Andy chewing jerky. After a while:

ANDY: You know there’s this guy I hate? His name is Connor. [pause] Oh, not you.

Anyway, the whole flight went on this way. I enjoyed myself tremendously, filthy little eavesdropper that I am. So thank you, Connor and Andy, wherever you may be, for making my flight so much fun.

I’m off to go flush my brother’s ballcap down the toilet.

All best, Craig.