07/19/2006: "I Want to Fight You (Them's Fighting Words!)"

As things progress towards the Canadian publication of THE FIGHTER, I am in infrequent contact with my publicist regarding the sundry ways we might go about promoting the book. I, as writer---or auteur, or the god-like “Creator,” if you will---have certain ideas as to who my readership is, and the best way to try to reach them. For example, adverts in the Glob and Mail (I was going to correct that typo, but I like it better as is): Penguin might as well flush the money down the toilet. People who might be interested in THE FIGHTER are probably not reading the Glob. Or at least, not enough to merit the ad rate. So says I.

Readings in and about Canada, literary festivals, etc, again probably won’t do the trick. I mean, they’re great fun for me: they put you up in a nice hotel, give you a per diem (which everyone summarily blows on a ridiculous extravagance like lobster-stuffed filet mignon, because really, you can’t give writers free money because almost all of us are morons in regards to financial matters; if you gave a writer a thousand dollars, 99% of us will use it to buy is something frivolous---a used moped, a thousand-dollar scarf, a wheelbarrow full of Hostess Twinkies---because we don’t know any better. That’s why so many writers die penniless: we don’t properly understand the value of a dollar), wine and dine you, etc, and all you do is go and read from your book for ten-twenty minutes. Really, I felt like a heel for what I got compared to what I gave; I wanted to ask the festival organisers, “So do you need someone to sweep up after the readings? Because, like, I can totally DO that.”

But really, I don’t know that a lot of my readers will be found at festivals; maybe, maybe not. And I already did the book tour “thing,” and, like most of my experiences, it was not all it was hyped up to be---unless my vision of a book tour involved driving 6 hours to a city, going to a bookstore for a reading where nobody showed, then spending the night eating a room service steak sandwich in my hotel room, in my underwear, my body illuminated by the glow of a TV screen playing a repeat of Full House, the episode where Uncle Joey crashes his motorcycle---if THAT had been my vision of a book tour, then yes, you could say all my dreams came true. In any case, I feel that the money spent sending me hither and yon---while enjoyable for a free spirit like myself, me, the equivalent of a human tumbleweed---it would be personally enjoyable, but I think overall not so cost effective in terms of promoting the book.

So I was overjoyed when I heard from Penguin that they’ll be putting together a website (www.thefighter.ca), which is not set up yet, but will be up at some point to promote the book. It’ll have a lot of cool stuff: excerpts, an interview, the Bookshorts video, maybe a video game, and some surprises we’re still cooking up. This, I think, is a great way to market the book: my readers are web-savvy (you found your way here, didn’t you?), and the book publishing world has not yet learned to use the Web to its fullest potential. Anyway, the site is coming and I will let everyone know when it’s ready to go.

But the point of this blog is not to announce the site. No, but it DOES involve promotion.

My publicist at Penguin called me up a few months ago with a proposition.

STEPHEN: Craig, how would you feel about fighting someone to promote the book?

ME: Stephen, what exactly do you mean?

STEPHEN: I mean what I say. You, Craig Davidson, fighting…well, someone.

ME: You mean, for real? Beating each other up?

STEPHEN: Yes. In a boxing ring. Gloves and whatnot. Marquis de Queensbury. Only if you’re willing.

ME [slightest pause]: Stephen, I am willing.

So, the idea germinated. At first Stephen was looking for other writers to fight---Stephen Heighton, author of THE SHADOWBOXER, was batted around as a possibility---but so far, to the best of my knowledge, no takers. Which isn’t really all that surprising: what’s the angle for them? Me, I’m a crazy nutbag writer with a first novel to promote and nothing to lose. Other writers have nothing to promote, or if so there’s probably better avenues to promote it than a boxing match.

But that’s okay, because here is where I pass the savings on to YOU, gentle reader. If you think you would make a good matchup with me, I will fight you. That’s right: let’s you and me GET…IT…ON.

Again, people may think I’m joking---hey, I’m a joker. Honestly, I am not. This is not a joke fight, either; we really have to fight each other. I mean, after, sure, we head out for a few beers and heal our hurts, but the deal is this: a real fight. Real punches. Real blood.

Let me get it straight: I am not a tough guy. Depending on how long you’ve been reading this blog, you may have read a few entries under the title SUNDRY BEATINGS I HAVE TAKEN, wherein I detail the vicious shellackings I have taken at the hands of far better pugilists than I. So I’m a game fighter, I’ll show up and take a few punches, but I might not walk out a winner---in fact, I’m almost hoping to take a brutal whupping.

Here are my stats:

CRAIG “THE CRIPPLER” DAVIDSON
Age: 31
Height: 6-1
Weight: 215lbs
Record: 0-0-0 (pro) 1-5-4 (unsanctioned)

Here’s who I will and will not fight:

If you are a noodle-armed fancy lad, I will not fight you.
If you are a good man with a noble heart, I will fight you.
If you suffer some debilitating mania or dementia, I will not fight you.
If you are here to kick ass and chew bubblegum (and you’re all out of bubblegum), I will fight you.
If you are missing one of more of the following limbs: arms/legs, I will not fight you.
If you are known by one of the following nicknames---“The Hammer,” “The Mangler,” “The Wizard”---then yes, by all means, I will fight you.
If you are over 80, have a heart condition or an irritable bowel, I am sorry but I cannot fight you.
If you have the courage of a lion and the guts of a burglar, I will fight you.

So, if you are interested in fighting or know someone who might make a good fight, email me and I will see if we can’t arrange something. I’m dead serious. It will be a real boxing match, four rounds probably, staged at some suitable public venue. In Toronto, most likely. We shake hands afterwards, head out for a beer, and that’s that. An experience to tell your grandkids about (I certainly will). No hard feelings, even if you knock the tar out of me. I’m good like that. You’d be doing me a favor, really. We’ll get the whole match on video and post it on the website, too.

I’m serious as death about this. I think it would be a kick. Who else promotes their book like that? I love my publicist. He rocks hardcore. Let’s help him do his job and find someone for me to fight, shall we?

My email address is posted at my website, and on this page. Think about it, ladies and gentlemen, and let me know. If we get a match set up, of course I will post the date and place, and all are welcome to attend.

All best, Craig.

PS: I'm serious.