10/19/2006: "CALGARY READING DATE"

Hi All,

This post is to let everyone know of my only scheduled Canadian reading date for THE FIGHTER. I had one other publicity event, maybe you heard about it, but I didn’t actually read anything at that to-do. Actually, I recall reading the word EVERLAST stamped on the boxing gloves that kept rocketing at my head, but I just read that to myself, privately; had I said it aloud, people would’ve gotten bored with the monotony of the repetition.

In any case, I’m reading October 28th, at McNally-Robinson in downtown Calgary. It’s down along the ped-mall, so anyone in Calgary and surrounding environs who wants to come out, please do. It’ll be weird to be reading from the book; I’ve not done that yet, and to be honest I have no clue what I’ll read. Maybe I’ll just ask audience members to punch me, instead. I’ve become more comfortable taking public beatings lately, and it might eat up some time.

Actually, that’s a great idea. If you come out and buy one [1] book, purchase entitles you to punch me in one of these select bodily locations: shoulder/chest/thigh (charley horse). If you buy two [2] books, you may slug me in the bread basket, or “the ole brisket” as it is sometimes known. If you buy four [4] books, say for Christmas presents, you can paste me one right on the kisser [limit one pasting per customer; football linebackers and ex-convicts exempt from this offer]. And if you buy ten [10] books, then hell, you can hoof me in the ‘nards (aka: Flavor Country).

I worry about this offer a bit, insomuch as I used to live in Calgary when I was young, and was not quite the humanitarian soul that I am now. I dread one of my ex-grade school schoolmates, perhaps one who felt I treated him unjustly several decades ago, coming up after the reading.

SCHOOL MATE: Hey, old buddy old chum—remember me?

ME: Jeez, I’m really sorry. Should I?

SCHOOL MATE [laughing faux-merrily]: Oh, no—whyever should you? Why should you remember the boy you used to chase around the schoolyard and practice your famous “Boston Crab” wrestling move on?

ME: Oh, my god—Kenny? Kenny Derwood?

KENNY: Ding ding ding! Hot dog, we have a wiener! I’m just so GLAD, I must say I’m positively TICKLED that you remembered me. I can tell you, my LOWER LUMBAR still remembers you. My chiropractor has sent his brood through university on my Snakes and Ladders SPINE!

ME: Lord, Kenny, I had no idea. Really, I’m terribly sorry to hear that.

KENNY: Oh you ARE, are you? Well, then, I suppose we’ll call it evens. Oh, wait—have your last 20 years been a living nightmare of unspeakable pain? Do your spine x-rays look like a well-gnawed toothpick? Did you wear a steel back brace underneath your high school graduation tuxedo?

ME: I’m...I’m afraid I didn’t.

KENNY: Huh. I guess we aren’t QUITE even-Steven, then. [brightening] Ho ho ho—nevermind all that now! I heard you wrote a book—how wonderful! Huzzah for you!

ME: It’s really not that good.

KENNY [reflectively]: I often thought about writing a book. Strapped down on a chiropractor’s bench as the doctor jammed his knee into my corkscrew spine, yes, indeed, I had many a “novel” idea, you might say. How much is a book?

ME: Thirty bucks, I think.

KENNY: I’ll take...ten. Good thing I hit a bank machine, isn’t it?

ME: That’s a wonderful show of...support, Kenneth.

KENNY: Anything for an old school chum! Now, I believe purchase entitles me to hoof you in the jewels, does it not?

ME [long sigh]: I can’t help but notice you’re wearing hobnailed boots.

KENNY: And oh, aren’t they DARLING? I bought them at the Army Surplus.

ME: I can’t help but notice you’ve got some additional hobnails on the toes of the boots, there.

KENNY: I had to pay extra for those, would you believe it? The proprietor was a proper bandit, but I wanted to go whole hog.

ME: I can’t help but notice you’re dousing your boot with lighter fluid, Ken.

KENNY: A little something I like to call a "flaming" shot, my dear boy. Spread your legs a bit, Craig; I want to get you right between the slats.

Okay, so I doubt that will happen. I don’t know anyone named Kenny Derwood, and I was actually the one who used to be chased around the schoolyard and put in the Boston Crab.

Hopefully you grab a book because you want to read it and support the writer, not ‘cause you want to slug him. But if it’ll make you feel like a bigshot to pop me one, we can talk about it after the reading. So long as I’m drunk enough and can’t feel much ‘till the next morning.

Again, the reading’s at 8 o’clock, Saturday the 28th of October. McNally-Robinson, downtown Calgary. A few weeks away. Come on out if you’re in the area.

All best, Craig.