11/30/2006: "Shout out to Penguin Publicity"

Hi All,

I got this a few days ago, sent on by a reader---well, okay, not a reader, a buddy of mine who conceivably is a reader but I don't recall him ever saying he's read a book of mine. He sent it on because it mentions me and he knows I'm a sick little twist who can't get enough of hearing his name spoken, even in dubious circumstances---which, in this case, it sort of is. But the article has less to do with me than with the new publicity strategies being cooked up at Penguin Canada, spearheaded by Stephen Myers and David Leonard, amongst others.

The article is here:
www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1164456970803&call_pageid=1011789353817&col=1011789353403

Of course, Stephen was the fine fellow who got the ball rolling on the event, and since I'm always halfway worried that the people who are closely connected to me by way of my writing---my agent, my editor, my publicist---since I'm always worried I don't let them know how much I value them and realize how instrumental they've been to anything I've accomplished in this whole dizzy book-publishing thing, I thought I would take this opportunity to single out Stephen (I'll single out Sarah and Helen in future blog posts, I'm sure) and thank him for all his hard work on that project. And it's great to see that he's lining up other cool, un-literati events: man, I can't believe I missed that drinking contest. I would have been SO there, even though I've lost so much weight my tolerance now equals that of a five-year old boy with an inner ear infection and I'd've ended up face-down on the bar floor amidst the peanut shells and crumpled coasters.

Please find following a collection of imagined phone conversations between Stephen Myers and various writers of fame, as he asks them to participate in book promotions he is devising. For the sake of the bit, he might be doing some time-travelling, going back into the murky past. And of course, neither Steve nor any of the authors speak or act the way I envision it. Shits n' giggles, folks.

He'll be talking to:

MARGARET ATWOOD
JERRY SEINFELD

STEPHEN MYERS CALLING MARGARET ATWOOD WITH PROMOTIONAL IDEAS FOR HER BOOK, "THE HANDMAID'S TALE":

STEVE: Maggie, darling, how's tricks?

MARGARET: Who is this?

S: Oh. Oh, that hurts. It's Steve! Your publicist from Penguin.

M: How do you do.

S [robot voice]: I ... do ... fine. Lighten up, Maggs, you'll live longer! Now, listen, down to brass tacks: I've been tabbed to promote your newest book, The Bandmate's Tale---

M [stuffily]: That is HANDMAID'S TALE.

S: Is that so? Must be a typo on this memo. Anyway, I've read it and it's great! It's a gritty tale about love and death and the search for meaning in our universe. It's a rip-roaring, bodice-ripping yarn, full of lusty buxom temptresses and wild-haired pirates swinging through the air on chandeliers---

M: How did you get this number?

S: Listen, here's my idea: you, Maggie Atwood, the Divine Ms. M, you---are you ready for it? steel yourself, baby!---you join a marching band. We'll get you some lessons, and you can learn to play the tuba. The tuba is a very HOT instrument right now---it is SMOKING! Ride the wave, baby! You play the tuba and we'll have a parade for you down the streets of Toronto. Picture it: Maggie Atwood playing the tuba to promote her newest opus, THE BANDMATE'S TALE!

M [long silence]: Are you an escaped mental patient or something? I fear your lunacy is infecting me over the telephone line!

S: Haha-HAAAH! Don't play coy with me, beautiful! You don't like the tuba, is that it? Well, you drive a hard bargain you little minx---how about the piccolo? How about an oboe? Any reed instrument's fine. Don't tell me the cymbals, though, because we all know only mental deficients play the cymbals, that's why they were invented, so those of lowered mental faculties could take part in stirring group activites like band practice, it helps them normalize and don't think for a minute I have anything against them, we're all beautiful under God I always say and bless them, bless them all but to have the Divine Ms M playing the cymbals, well, it wouldn't be the right vibe is all I'm saying, but listen, if you really want to play the cymbals we can work it out, we can spin it that you're a woman of the people, you like to get your hands dirty and that always plays well out in the sticks, sis-boom-bah and yes indeed-y do...

M: click.

S: Hello? Hello?

STEPHEN MYERS CALLING JERRY SEINFELD IN ANTICIPATION OF PUBLICIZING HIS BOOK "WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THAT?"

STEVE: Jerry? Can I speak to Jerry, please?

JERRY: This is him.

STEVE: Jerry---the big J! It's Steve!

J: Steve who?

S: Oh! Oh! Stick a knife into my heart, why don't you? Steve, your publicist! Listen, bubby, I've got lots of ideas how to promote your upcoming book. I was surfing the Internet today---

J: The Internet---what is the deal with that, huh? I mean, it's not a net, and it's not INSIDE of anything, is it? They should call it the OUTERweb!

S: Ha! Hahahaha! You still got it, Jerry! That comedic knife of yours is no duller, after all these years! Okay, so, like I was saying, I was thinking I'd mail out a few thousand flyers about to promote your upcoming appearance---

J: Flyers---What is the deal...with those! I mean, they don't fly anywhere, do they? You should call them GROUNDers!

S [feeble laugh]: Yeah, well, I never thought of it that way. Maybe they should. Really, it's just semantics. Now, the glue on the flyers is crappy, so I'm gonna have my staff re-glue them with gluesticks---

J: Gluesticks---what is the deal...with those! I mean, it's not like there's any glue in them, and they're hardly shaped like sticks...

S: Actually, Jerry, there IS glue in them, and they do look like sticks. The name is perfectly appropriate, I would sa---

J: They should call them STICKYTUBES!

S: Okay, whatever, I'll have my staff use Stickytubes to re-glue the flyers. Getting back on point, we think it'd be great if you'd come into town, we'll take you out to a nice restaurant---

J: Restaurants! I mean, really, what is the deal...with those? I mean, it's not like you're resting there, are you? And you're not ... er, -auranting, either! Makes no sense! They should call them EATaurPLACES!

S [heavy sigh]...bamboo.

J: I mean, what is the deal with bamboo? It's not like it hits you---BAM!---or scares you---BOO! They should call it Hollow Green Wood Stuff! Am I right?

S: [hangs up]

J: The dial tone? What's the deal with that? It's not like you dial anyone to get it, and it doesn't have a tone at all! They should call it, That Hum the Phone Makes When You Pick it Up!

All best, Craig.