02/19/2010: "Top Ten Bets"

Hi All,

So, one of the few writing tasks I take on on an every week basis is this section called 'Top Ten Bets.' It was originally supposed to be this simple listings service, which is one of my main duties here at this weekly paper; listings, for those of you not in the newsy 'biz,' is where you just give a rundown on the concerts and gallery openings and plays and so forth, little capsule ads, 30 words long: Jimbob and the Hayseeds play at Cooter's, Feb 23, 7pm, $10 cover. That sort of thing. So Top Ten Bets was supposed to be that, basically; ten interesting things going on that week. Well, the structure was never really hammered out so I was able to retrofit it to my tastes, and since it's really the only writing I'm doing right now, which is admittedly sort of sad but whatever, I have fun with it, crafting little stories or whatever. I think I'll share them with you, since if you don't live in the Maritimes you won't be able to read the paper. They follow below, and I'll try to update every week.

All best, Craig.

Top Ten Weekend Bets, Feb 11

1. SAINT JOHN. When I was a young man and foolish in love I would squire my lady love to the local malt shop on Valentine's Day, where we would split a milkshake with two straws. Once I'd boldly commented upon the graceful curve of her bare ankle (which led to a hitch in the hoosegow, where I was clapped up for 'lewd and lascivious' orations). Nowadays the kids are all hippity-hopping, jitterbugging in their newfangled bell-bottom jeans, doing 'The Twist' and other gyrating, hip-swiveling dance motions. The Devil must smile a mile wide to see such bold licentiousness! Take this event I’m hearing about, The Dark Valentine's Rave. Impressionable youth gassed up on Red Bulls, bodies a-dazzle with glow sticks, flying around the dance floor like unhinged Walendas. It's disgraceful - an affront to basic human dignity! February 13. $10 cover charge. Encore Nightclub, 73 King Street. 9pm.

2. MONCTON. It's time I got this off my chest: I killed a man. This transpired back in my days as a tramping railbum. I hopped a potash car to see a man down Saint John way about some apple pickin'. Me and Slippery Peg and Tattery Pete tramped it out of Moncton but we get flushed out by a track-walker with a wild hair up his ass. He beat us plum to bits for about oooh, eight hours or so with a big loop a garden hose. Whoo! Well, I had about as much as I could take so I balled up one fist and plugged that track-walker in the schnozz and he falls down, stone-dead before he hits the dirt. Well, me and Slippery and Tattery swore a pact never to tell and buried him in the woods. I'm not worried about anyone finding the body, though; heck, you'd need some sort of all-terrain vehicle or something. Where you gonna get one a them? The Atlantic Motorcycle and ATV Show. Tickets $10. February 12-14. Doors open at noon. Moncton Coliseum, 377 Killam Drive.

3. SAINT JOHN. I was in a music video, once. It was this kid's group, The Wafflekins or The Dingleberries or something. Anyway, I was the custodian at the video shoot and accidentally pushed my mop over a mess of electrical cables and shorted out the fusebox. Sparks shot every-which-a-way and the Doodlebops or PittyPats or whatever, they got real angry - I mean, who'd expect men who played banjos and kazoos to cuss like lumbermen? - and dragged me out on stage and beat me unmerciful in front of these wide-eyed tots. One wrapped his spiffy rainbow suspenders round my throat as the others kicked me with their cherry-red Converse hi-tops. Oh! Nearly stove in my ribs. The audience was laughing fit to bust a gut as I begged for my life. The Hiccups or the Whatchamacallems rolled my wretched body off the stage like a sack of farina and salvaged the shoot with a pretty nice acoustic set. They were some damn fine performers. Atlantica Live Presents a Live Video Shoot. Come out and enjoy a concert, which will be taped for a music video. Friday February 12th, 10pm. Dee & Band with Special Guests live @ the Blue Olive. 419 Rothesay Ave. 506-672-7625.

4. FREDERICTON. Nothing says 'It's Valentine's Day' quite like the tale of a shady, mentally unstable candy mogul who throws open the doors of his factory to a passel of spoiled and thoughtless little hogs, each of whom he systematically eliminates for crimes of greed, pettiness, vice, and corruption. All except Charlie, that is. Leo Hayes High School presents 'Willy Wonka.' Tickets $16 - 18. Saturday, Feb 13, 2010 - 2:00 PM, 8:00 PM. The Playhouse, 686 Queen Street. (506) 458-8344

5. FREDERICTON. Once while wandering through a flea market I came across a vendor selling used underpants. Heaped pell-mell in a cardboard box, upon which he'd written 'Gently Used.' I asked the vendor, a salty bear of a man, if they were his old underpants. "Not all of them," he told me. If not his, I asked, where had he acquired them? "Around." If they weren't his underpants, how could he vouchsafe the fact they were 'Gently Used' (in truth, some of them looked so threadbare and godforsaken one had to imagine they’d been subjected to a rather rough term of use). To which the vendor glared and said: "You gonna buy some, or not?" Of course - I bought the whole box! I didn’t want to come off as over-eager, was all. Flea Market at King's Place Mall. Admission: $1. Sundays 10:30 - 2:30. 440 King Street.

6. MONCTON. Hey, do you like to laugh? Like a good knee-slapper? How about a belly-buster? Here's what I do when my funnybone's in need of a tickle: take a bubble bath with a few Archie comics. How does Jughead eat all those hamburgers, being that he's so skinny? And the fact that Moose probably suffered a severe cranial injury while playing football - oh, man, you want to talk about hilarious irony? Failing that, I suppose you could check out The Hubcap Comedy Festival. Running Feb 9 - 14. Check out their website at www.hubcapcomedyfestival.ca for venues, performers, and showtimes.

7. SAINT JOHN. Here's the thing about charity casinos: you can get yourself in a spot of bother if you're not careful. Like this one I went to, benefiting the Immaculate Mothers of Mercy, Penitence, Abstinence, and Righteousness in Perpetuity. So, okay, yes, I've got a bit of a gambling problem; I lost a tidy little heap wagering on a filly called 'Three Legs and a Broomstick,' who lost in the fifth to 'Future Glue' at the Fuhgettaboudit Stakes in Hackensack, NJ. But I went to this Charity Casino thinking hey, it's all in good fun. Well, don't ask me how but I ended up betting my mortgage in a game of craps against a nun named Sister Heloise. I rolled snake eyes, shrieked, then ran off into the night. A couple fleet-footed altar boys chased me down and beat me about the kneecaps and buttocks with pool cues until I agreed to cough up the green. "But it's a charity," I said quite pitifully. "Charity starts at home," said one of the altar boys as he turned my pockets inside-out. Not that I'm one to hold a grudge! Sweetheart Charity Casino. Tickets: $20. Feb 12. 7:30 PM - 10:00 PM. Branch 69, Royal Canadian Legion, Wilson Street, W. (506) 642-0929.

8. SAINT JOHN. I've got a soft spot for fine art. My walls are festooned with the stuff. I've got a painting of dogs playing poker. An Elvis portrait in black velvet. A couple of Family Circus cartoons blown up great big and framed. Sure, they all cost me somewhere in the double figures, but you can't put a price on that which nourishes your soul ... although the guy who sold them to me out the back of a cube van did put a price on them. Fellow art-lovers may want to attend the Gallery Hop. Feb 12, 4:30 PM - 8:30 PM. Visiting various galleries in the uptown area. Call (506) 649-6040 for details.

9. MONCTON. Fact of that matter is, a lot of us have two left feet. We can't dance to save our lives (and god rest those who failed to do so in the ill-fated TV extravaganza, 'Dancing with Wolves.') Anyhoo, if you would like to improve your dance skills and have a great time doing it, consider Dancing ... with Ricky! Learn Cuban Salsa, along with the basics of Merengue, Bachata, and Cha-cha. Classes held at the Wesley Mem United Church. Call 389 8564 for class times and availability.

10. FREDERICTON. Elvis and buffets ... they go together like hand in glove. Come on out to Frank’s Finer Diner on Valentine’s Day to tuck into a sumptuous turkey and roast beef buffet while Elvis impersonator Mike Bravenor serenades you. For an extra few bucks Elvis will eat turkey right out of your hand like a plump, rhinestone-encrusted bird (disclaimer: it is highly unlikely he will do so). Sunday Feb 14. 6 - 8pm. 459-0707 for reservations.